Space Invaders? Not on MY watch!

Hello Earth-dwellers, Cave Johnson here.

Firstly, I’ve got a note from the lab boys over in biochem, and they’ve told me to tell you not to eat any of the ‘Election Special’ range from the JCR. There’s something scribbled here about ‘politicitis’, and severe social repulsiveness. This news probably comes too late for most of you, but you can all take comfort in the fact that you’re furthering the advance of science by at least a couple of minutes.

For the last question of term, Harry asks, “If we meet friendly extraterrestrial life, how should we abuse (sorry, harness) its power? If it’s evil, how should we combat it?”

Firstly, we can be pretty sure that any aliens who turn up at our doorstep are going to be more technologically advanced than us. They’re likely to have ray-guns, teleporters and some fancy anti-lemon technology. If they come in peace, then it’s our duty as citizens of the United States to keep all of the science and advancements to ourselves, and make damn sure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. Like communists. Or Black Mesa. I’m not sure which is worse.

We know from all the stories that it’s not a proper abduction unless there’s some kind of probing. That’s science fact. Our resident xenobiologist says that this is because it’s the way that most aliens greet each other, and as such we want to give our visitors the warmest welcome possible. We don’t want to risk damaging the alien bodies through such invasive procedures, so the boys down in biology want to get some pre-probing done to minimalize potential loss when the time comes. Coincidentally, we’ve got a great testing opportunity for lazy students – talk to your college’s test associate and he’ll fill you in. As will everyone in the lab. Once we’ve learned everything about their technology, we’ll just be left with the little green men themselves. The aliens – not the leprechauns – for the UCL-calibre students among you. Keep up.

The Journal of Astroxenochembiophilosophical Geological Pseudo-Sciency Materials B recently published an article that listed the ways that aliens may be biologically different from us. It’s a couple of hundred pages long, but it’s a good read, if your college has access to it. It even has pictures. They’ve concluded that the most likely form of any alien invaders is not that of the classic green-skinned and beady-eyed variety, but rather short, furry creatures that embody an image of cuteness. That’s how they get close to their prey. For the conspiracy theorists among you, I would suggest printing out a copy to keep on you at all times. Don’t worry about the amount of paper required though – there are too many trees anyway. And they’re all watching you. As a special testing offer to you paranoid students, we’ve created a unique testing experience. We’re looking for volunteers to sit in a room with a tin foil hat on. We’ll then bombard you with all the types of radiation we can think off, and see what happens. Don’t worry about the cancer risk, as we’ll just boil the tumours right out of you later. With more radiation.

Back to business then. If they’re here for global domination, then I expect that the human populace won’t have much of a chance. The governments will bow down, and you’ll all become slaves to your new despotic overlords. Do not despair, faithful test subjects. Aperture has a set of guidelines for this exact situation. I don’t know what they are, but I expect it has something to do with the giant lasers that the boys have been making over in weapons testing. There’s supposedly enough energy from one blast that we can go directly from ‘cow’ to ‘steak’ in half a second. There is so much abandoned weapons technology down here that we should start hosting conventions. On the upside, Aperture has enough nuclear material to make sure that if I can’t have the Earth, neither can they.

Just as a reminder, I’m going away for a few weeks. This is in no way related to the missing zoo animals, or my recent attempt at creating Cave’s Ark. This is just a holiday. A simple underwater holiday. With slugs.

I’ll leave you in Caroline’s safe hands whilst I’m gone. Get probed. For science.