Depression – ­My Story

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 17. For me, the diagnosis helped. It helped to give a name to the bizarre way that I had been feeling for over a year. I was always tired and always sad. The worst feeling was that of isolation, and feeling disjointed from the world, and I felt like I was the only person in the world to feel this way. I didn’t tell anybody because I thought it might go away. I was scared of how I was feeling; I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what to do about it and I didn’t want to make a fuss. When I finally got my diagnosis, I was given a legitimate reason to feel the way I did. Depression has affected every aspect of my life, and its symptoms can be quite overwhelming. Some days I wake up and feel empty. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to watch TV, and I certainly don’t want to talk to anyone. For me, one of the worst parts of depression was a sense of losing myself. I lost interest in things that I previously loved, like dancing and singing. I was in the choir but stopped going because I was too depressed. I lost my passion for biology, a subject I had previously loved, and my pride in my college work disappeared. Depression also brought with it a huge lack of self-confidence. I have always been a high achiever and a perfectionist, so I am constantly putting myself down when it comes to work. I’m also quite shy in social situations because I think that I have nothing to add to the conversation and that nobody wants me there. This can make hanging out with friends mentally exhausting. If someone was bullying you, constantly telling you weren’t good enough, that everybody hates you and there’s no point to anything, you would walk away. You can’t walk away when that bully is inside your own head. Trying to explain depression to friends and family has been difficult. The most common reaction I’ve faced is confusion, with my friends saying that I don’t look or act depressed. What some people don’t understand about depression is its strength, and how it can completely consume somebody’s life, without anybody knowing. It is surprisingly easy to hide. I got so good at putting up a front that I don’t even realise I’m doing it anymore. I have also had friends offering advice on how to raise my mood, or who to turn to for help. Although I understand that they are just trying to help, when I want to talk, is it to get things off my chest, and all I want is someone to listen to me. Offering advice can be a little patronising, despite the good intentions. The most upsetting reaction I’ve had is being called a drama queen. My depression is not something I have “made up”, and I cannot control my symptoms. Because of this negative reaction, I have become very reluctant to talk about my problems, and instead deal with everything myself. Rather than talking to someone, I have often turned to self harm to alleviate the stress, which can manifest itself in many different ways. For me, it is cutting, purging (making myself sick) and overdosing. I have also tried to take my own life several times. I feel like this is a common situation faced by those with depression. Telling someone to “pull themselves together” will only increase their sense of loneliness, and make them less likely to seek help. Everybody needs a support network to fall back on. That may be family, a close friend, or a counsellor/psychiatrist. It’s different for each individual. There are many different treatment options for depression: counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), medication, talking therapies, group therapies and self-help, or a combination of these. Each individual will find that a different type of treatment works best for them. It may take some time to find the right one. If I were to give advice to others seeking help, I would say be patient with the service, and with yourself. You may not feel better straight away, and often “it has to get worse before it gets better” applies. Talking about your feelings can be very difficult, especially if you’re quite introverted like me. It can help, but if that really isn’t working, you could try writing in a diary; anything to get how you feel out, so that it’s not building up inside of you. Even just hearing your thoughts out loud can be helpful, and something you were scared of suddenly doesn’t seem so scary anymore. I found CBT and counselling extremely hard as I did not want to open up. I also found medication ineffectual. What worked for me was distracting myself when I got low, by hanging out with a close friend, watching something good on TV, baking, singing or even cleaning. Self-help is more effective for me personally, because I hate talking to other people about my feelings. Getting a good night’s sleep always helps alleviate my low mood and helps my energy levels. I find that going for a jog or a swim during the day helps me fall asleep more easily at night, and I also like to watch ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response) videos on Youtube. Looking to the future, I hope to keep managing my depression. Depression may be something that I have to live with for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean it is going to rule my life. I may retry counselling and/or medication, maybe when I’m more mature and more ready to talk about my problems. Ultimately, I want to have good mental health. To me, this doesn’t mean being happy all the time, but rather equipping myself with the tools I need to manage my thoughts, and accepting that there will always be bad patches, but they won’t be forever and I will come out the other side. -Anonymous

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