Millions injured in worst Friday since Rebecca Black

Horror at Currys PC World Workington branch as millions of people flocked to the store to pick up excellent deals on the best and latest technology, ranging from 2.5mm microphone cables to ruby-encrusted vibrators.

The opening was just like any day but the first people to arrive were literally confounded by the excellent deals such as “buy-one-for-the-price-of-two” and “80% off (500% of original value)!!!”

Smiles of joy however were transformed into pouts of indifference as the customers found they had to wait six years to be served in the queue.

Despite this, many thought it was worth the time and spread the word on social media. The whole of mainland Britain drove as fast as they could to get the best deals. It was even rumoured that some people from Northern Ireland were so desperate to cash in on such great savings that they swam across the Irish Sea. It was the biggest stampede the North had seen since the opening the first Greggs bakery in 1939 and many were injured as a consequence.

It wasn’t all bad news, however. The government smiled at how well the public adapted to such Americanisation and announced plans to abolish the NHS and raise university tuition fees to £100,000 per year to complete the United Kingdom’s transformation to the 51st state of the USA.

The British public, many who have been writing frantically to their local MP asking when carrying a gun will be legal and when ‘Disneyworld Lincolnshire’ will be built, have unanimously accepted this transformation and cannot wait to sing The Star-Spangled Banner at their child’s next baseball game.