Our 2017 roundup: the people that made this year shit

Once more, Felix has dragged itself to the end of the year, like the bloated, self-satisfied piece of shit it is. If you weren’t already familiar with the events of this year, then you’ll be delighted to know that the writers have come up with a whole bunch of wonderfully smug retrospectives to remind you of what happened, or to trigger the next batch of PTSD and electrotherapy. People like to wrap up a year, almost as if to put it safely away, as an end to a narrative. In case you were wondering the decisions and events that you and I have lived through this year will continue to haunt us forever.

2017 has been a year of highs and lows, but where the highs are deep below sea level and the lows lurk somewhere around Satan’s anus. Beginning with the inauguration of an orange billboard for white supremacy as the leader of the free world is not a particularly auspicious start to the year, and a considerable amount of misery and depravity have sprung from this single well. Whether it’s proclaiming that there are good people on both sides at a neo-Nazi vs not neo-Nazi rally, or finally shooting the Israeli-Palestinian peace process in the head, the Donald somehow always finds a way to make the world a slightly worse place. All I can say is, thank you El Presidente, for giving me so much more to loathe. It would be remiss of me to keep my focus on only one key player in this year’s crock of shit.

Second place of course must go to everyone’s favourite fat Korean, Kim Jong-Un. While he is a must on all lists of this nature thanks to his large girth and his people’s constant emaciation due to famine, Kim’s major achievement this year has been to place North Korea within touching distance of a functioning nuclear deterrent. Naturally, I look forward to being erased in a haze of atomic fire, but I’d prefer to be incinerated in the midst of a catastrophic showdown between the world’s superpowers and not by a chubby bloke that assassinated his brother with nerve gas and shot his uncle with an anti-aircraft gun.

Third and fourth on this list must of course go to Putin and Xi Jingping, mostly because I’d be at risk of being assassinated if they weren’t on here. You don’t have to be a gay-hating expansionist dictator, or just a ruthless Tibetan-hating dictator to make this list but it definitely helps. Special thanks goes to Putin for stabilising the Assad regime and obstructing the UN investigation into use of chemical weapons.

Final place of this filler article must of course go to the UK government. I enjoy nothing more than to witness their serial incompetency with regards Brexit, the election or handling anything remotely sensitive. Between them Boris Johnson, Theresa May, and David Davis have handled everything thrown at them like a blind, quadruple-amputee trying to play catch. I hate fucking incompetents. I am greatly looking forward to next year when all of my favourite characters reappear, and I get to hate them for all kinds of new reasons.

Finally, as some sort of catharsis to finishing the last piece of the year, I extend my antipathy to you, my peers. I can’t put my finger on exactly why I hate you so, possibly your pathetic attachment to Stella or your frankly disturbing lack of opinions on anything important. I hope you all have exams after Christmas so you can’t enjoy it and that all your New Year’s goals are unfulfilled. Have a shit 2018.