Boyfriends: the new social faux pas

To be completely honest, I sigh when I see a self-proclaimed feminist claim her boyfriend is “one of the good ones”. I know that’s unfair – he may well be. But isn’t that oh so rare?

When I read Chanté Joseph’s "Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?" in British Vogue, I felt vindicated. Having witnessed the considerable backlash it generated, I believe there is room to defend it.

Like Joseph, I find the “my boyfriend” genre of woman mildly irritating. But this isn’t their fault. They are only behaving how they were conditioned to: be the “good girlfriend” in the hopes that he will marry you and mould the rest of your life around his. I have seen critics reprimand Joseph as anti-feminist for criticising this behaviour. To that I say: if making your boyfriend a central part of your personality brings you joy, then I can’t stop you. But let’s stop pretending that all choices women make are feminist ones. Feminists do not owe anybody approval for making socially acceptable choices.

To be clear, I do not believe that desiring love or companionship makes a woman less feminist. Rather, I am questioning why so many women centre their lives around their romantic partners. Women are unique in that our intimate lives are intertwined with the very class that historically oppressed us. I think it can only be a good thing if we are beginning to question the role of love in our lives.

We are among the first generation of women to have the real option to live a life that is not centred around a man. It is only right that we encourage each other to do so. This doesn’t have to mean abandoning the desire or search for love, but rather not making it the only part of life. If the result of women rejecting the idea that someone else should be the centre of their own lives is that boyfriends are the butt of a few jokes for a while, then so be it.