Horoscopes: 14 March 2025

♈ Aries

This week you quote the good parts of your breakup text for endorsement during the elections.

♉ Taurus

This week your botched penis enlargement surgery makes an appearance at post Varsity drinks.

♊ Gemini

This week you accidentally submit your 10,000 word mpreg omegaverse fanfic as your manifesto.

♋ Cancer

This week he wants to DOCK but you've got no foreskin on your COCK so you will have to FROT.

♌ Leo

This week you ask your friend to place the bet for you so you still get into heaven.

♍ Virgo

This week you organise your revision schedule and firm you're going to have to get a few UTIs to get a first.

♎ Libra

This week you realise your ex was low-key right about your hamartia.

♏ Scorpio

This week you realise resits are inescapable if reincarnation exists.

♐ Sagittarius

This week you have to cancel your dogging weekend because March edged and blue-balled the spring.

♑ Capricorn

This week your shitty, shit-ass boring stinky breath boyfriend does another annoying thing and you still don't leave him.

♒ Aquarius

This week you beat your grandma to hip replacement surgery after you get fisted.

♓ Pisces

This week you use Urban Dictionary to get you off.