Horoscopes: 23 Jan 2024

♈ Aries
This week your friends suggest you flirt with your problem sheets instead.

♉ Taurus
This week you drink up all the raspberry vodka and claim it is a memory-erasing potion.

♊ Gemini
This week the Uber driver delivers you straight to rehab from the club.

♋ Cancer
This week you keep both your friends and your enemies a little too close for comfort.

♌ Leo
This week you “accidentally” obtain a thong from Circuit Laundry and “accidentally” try it on.

♍ Virgo
This week you secure your substantial eight-figure settlement after being libelled on Imperial Confessions.

♎ Libra
This week your attempt to swat a fly in the middle of a speech makes international news.

♏ Scorpio
This week you get the ick after your campus crush tries to kiss you with a gilet on.

♐ Sagittarius
This week you lick the GP’s finger after the prostate exam.

♑ Capricorn
This week I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO THIS WEEK. I DON’T CARE. LEAVE ME ALONE. DO IT YOURSELF.

♒ Aquarius
This week you make a website of your text logs with your situationship in order to “quash their claims” of being led on.

♓ Pisces
This week you’re frustrated that people don’t recognise it’s actually a Chaplin moustache and nothing else.