McKinsey audit reveals Felix is “full of shit”
A leaked report by consulting firm McKinsey & Co has revealed that “on average 56% of facts” reported in Felix are false, with several sections presenting almost entirely false statements as fact.
The report concluded that on the whole, according to their proprietary evaluation programmes, Felix should in no cases be trusted. The notable exception was the Catnip section, which was not only assessed as being purely factual, but also very well written relative to the output of the rest of the student newspaper.
“We don’t normally do this kind of thing, but Bugh Hrady asked us to do it because he said he was tired of those ‘crazy cats’ meddling in his affairs,” said a spokesperson for McKinsey. “McKinsey is also keen to offer a digital transformation of Felix’s output, in order for them to return to form.”
Leaked documents seen by NegaFelix have revealed that McKinsey reached out to the newspaper with a comprehensive business plan on how to “return to form as a bastion of truth, integrity, and real voices for the student and staff communities of Imperial”. The report pledges to offer a new “digital transformation” of all the paper’s outputs, and will also consult on how best to replace section editors with AI developed in-house by McKinsey. The consulting giant reportedly offered the paper’s management a discount, asking for an estimated fee of only £320,000 or “the blood of six to eight virgin copyeditors”.
Felix Editor Editor, Felix Felix, told NegaFelix he was seriously considering the offer, contingent on if he were to recieve a graduate job offer at the firm. “If not, there are ways for me to flip this scandal around for my CV,” he told the entire editorial board during a meeting earlier this week.
Some of the editors have hit back at the claims. Barnaby Hilton-Royce and George Pastons both supplied NegaFelix with the same statement: “This is worse than the time we got cancelled for Catnip and Catnip respectively. It’s worse than Bari Weiss at CBS and that’s saying something.”
This is the latest scandal to hit Felix following an as-of-yet unnamed editor “gooning” in the office, the removal and subsequent return of the monkeys into the offices, and several allegations by freshers that they had been offered cigarettes in exchange for Physics lecture notes, lightly sobbed on.
