Catnip

Ode to the editor

(In Imperial Confessional form)

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Mr Felix Felix,

I love you.

Your French face, 

your supple cheeks,

turn my heart savage,

turns me into a freak. 

Notice me Senpai,

I need you so,

Make me wear the cat mask, 

and turn me into your hoe.

- Anonymous

From Issue 1883

21 November 2025

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Physics and Maths departments to sage Huxley and Blackett

Physics and Maths departments to sage Huxley and Blackett

Both the Departments of Mathematics and Physics will be burning sage in what insiders say is a “desperate” attempt to combat worsening student satisfaction. The use of sage burning, a practise derived from withcraft, is seen to be a radical departure from both departments’ lack of action. “Look, we don’

By NegaFelix
Student saves £2,500 yearly eating Taste Imperial presentation dishes

Student saves £2,500 yearly eating Taste Imperial presentation dishes

An Imperial student was revealed to be saving thousands of pounds each year by eating the presentation dishes at campus eateries. Taste Imperial outlets usually prepare an extra meal for display to let students know what sauce accompanies the specific rice-and-meat preparation they serve on that day. These are generally

By Felix Felix
Supreme Court rules “ragebait” is valid legal defence

Supreme Court rules “ragebait” is valid legal defence

The UK’s highest court sided with Imperial students in two out of three crucial test cases focusing on crimes that involved “ragebaiting”. The decision reversed earlier court rulings that denied the possibility of ragebaiting as a plausible and honest reason for harmful and destructive acts. Previously, these offences only

By NegaFelix and Juby Roy