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Felix

The student newspaper of Imperial College London

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Felix

Issue 1754
The student newspaper of Imperial College London


Keep the Cat Free


NegaFelix Predicts...

NegaFelix, Psychic Reporter

Hangman

in Issue 1754

As Felix has changed its release cycle to ‘random’, Hangman has this week decided to take matters into its own paws and predict the events taking place during the week we think this issue will eventually be released. Without further ado, this is what we think might have happened this week:

Nevada decides to secede from the Union, rather than finish counting the untallied ballots. Don Jackals, a spokesperson for the electoral committee, stated “There’s just so many. Like a lot more than we expected. It’s just easier this way.”

The Queen celebrates her 98th Diamond Jubilee. Prince Phillip observed to be “malting more than usual” in run up to his annual sacrificial consumption of Phillip Schofield.

COVID is revealed to be ‘DIVOC’ backwards. Experts ask, “is there any way we can maybe do something with this?” Fans are dismayed to learn that the new Fast and Furious film ‘Too Fast, Not Enough Furious’ production has been delayed due to issues with Paul Walker hologram technology. In other news, Paul Walker presented with posthumous award for ‘Best Dead Actor’.

UK TERROR LEVEL RAISED TO “IN PROGRESS”

Keir Starmer somehow turns governments announcement of ‘Tier 10 Lockdown’ into an anti-semitism row.

Finally, the UK raises its terror threat level to ‘In progress’.

So there’s our predictions. For extra points, make these headlines happen yourself !

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