Super Bowl LIII: GOAT defeats Rams

New England Patriots 13 - 3 Los Angeles Rams

Field general Tom Brady marches down the field throwing short bullets and long bombs. Precise, calculated, commanding and highly efficient. Ain’t no mercy for the weak.

This is the demi-god quarterback of yesteryear who overcame the largest point deficit ever recorded in Super Bowl history. He cemented his place in the hall of fame and is the greatest of all time (GOAT). Period. What’s he doing now? This week in the life of Brady he polishes his super bowl rings, washes his cat, drops his kids at school and wins the super bowl for the sixth time…

Yes, Brady has done it again. Brady is now the proud owner of his sixth Super Bowl ring, which is the most by any player. Ever. His legacy and impact on football is far-reaching and those with no interest in Football still know of the legend quarterback Tom Brady. This does come at a cost, as he gets older he is starting to trip on his own legacy. Greatness is expected and perfection is assumed, and although not always charismatic, the novelty of winning the Super Bowl is obviously wearing thin. In the post-game interview, he said: “We’ve, uh, been this far and lost, which is really tough,” then added, “I wish we’d played a little better on offense, but we won… Super Bowl champs.” I can imagine a half-hearted fist pump with a “Woooooo!” after that statement. Maybe this speaks to his exhaustion after the game, or his overcritical-ness and pursuit of perfection, but for me it speaks to routine. After 19 years of playing, and -rightfully- being given the title of GOAT, perhaps the routine of year-on-year NFL makes the thought of retirement more appealing. He has nothing left to achieve, and is just padding his CV, adamant to play till 45 years old.

The yearly routine also comes with the klassik portrayal of the Patriots as underdogs. “Everyone thinks we suck, and you know, can’t win any games. … So, we’ll see, it will be fun,” Brady told CBS after the Patriots’ divisional-round win over the Chargers. Fam, you are part of the longest dynasty in Football history. Brady’s super bowel creates so much crap, if you gave him an enema he’d only weigh 5lbs. Okay, that was excessive, but there does seem to be a Patriot franchise conspiracy to paint themselves as underdogs. With Bill Belichick at the helm, Patriots have won six Super Bowls and have been 1st in their division sixteen times since he took the position of head coach in 2000. They are a dynasty, with an ethos that can be aptly summarized by Belichick’s words after they won Super Bowl LI: “As of today, and as great as today feels and as great as today is, in all honesty we’re five weeks behind in the 2017 season.” This inexhaustible work ethic is what gives the Patriots a winning season year after year.

The franchise is able to create pro-bowl level athletes from those overlooked, including Brady and Edelman, who were sixth and seventh round draft picks respectively. Edelman was the Super Bowl LIII Most Valuable Player, although originally playing quarterback at college he transitioned to wide receiver and punt returner for the NFL, and was overlooked by many teams. The Patriots recognize tenacity and ambition, and channel it to develop these players into superstars. It isn’t just chance.

With all that in mind, this Super Bowl has been the most boring. It is just bleurgh. Patriots win, bleurgh. Most consecutive drives ending with a punt in Super Bowl history (Rams), bleurgh. Fewest points scored by the winning team in Super Bowl history, bleurgh. It was a punt-a-thon (making the title of this piece a bit misleading, sorrry!) There were NO touchdowns in the first three quarters, and there were the fewest touchdowns and fewest points scored in Super Bowl history. Just gross. I don’t even want to analyze player contribution or dive into anaylsis about the Rams (who I have failed to mention thus far), this is because the game will be forgotten.

There was one way they could have made it memorable, one way they could have inducted it into public consciousness as a day of awe and spectacle, one way they could have scribed it into annals of time. That would have been with SpongeBob.

A few months ago the creator of SpongeBob SquarePants, Stephen Hillenburg, died. This prompted a petition to have “Sweet Victory” a song from the show to be played at Super Bowl LIII half time show. Over a million people signed the petition and the stadium’s social media accounts also hinted that they’d play the song, and they did! Well… Sort of. They played a 5 second version which was rudely interrupted by rapper Travis Scott’s comet, with which he appeared on the stage… This has caused mass hysteria on the internet. Leading to SpongeBob fans and sympathizers disliking NFL’s YouTube videos so much they had to re-upload them. Ah the internet.

Tl;dr: Patriots win, Brady is the GOAT, and the internet likes SpongeBob.