Feb Senton runs for President
Dark horse Feb Senton has pledged to take over the role of Imperial President from Bugh Hrady. Senton was previously the president of UWE Bristol and plans to align Imperial College with his new “regressive thinking” approach. NegaFelix had the opportunity of meeting with Senton in the Felix office to discuss his policies, accompanied by his campaign manager Jimmy “The Vice” Valentino, known painter and decorator, prewho previously worked with Senton’s seconder, Emmanuel Frederick.
NegaFelix questioned Senton on his proposition that “fish and eggs be considered part of the vegan diet”. He told us that this radical idea came from having his first lunch at Plantworks. “The lack of options was shocking, really,” he said. “I propose we give them something that tastes good. Avocado maki is shit.” Our Vegan Affairs Correspondent, Blex Aull, asked for clarification on how this policy would be tackling the animal rights issues at the core of veganism. Senton assured us all his policymaking follows an organic approach, and he and his team took time to interview multiple fish. A newlywed yellowfin couple from Ocean Catch declared, “We don’t mind if we’re sashimi grade tuna, it’s classy and expensive.” Some young, male salmon even extended this sentiment to smoked salmon, as they too were partial to a cigarette. One particular Pollock told us that “sushi is fine, but crabsticks are offensive, discriminatory, and group together certain fish cultures just with segregation in mind. I’m not an imitation crab, I’m a proud pollock.” Senton assured us that all fake crab sticks would be banned from the campus to respect this wish. NegaFelix is still waiting for Plantworks and VeganSoc to give a statement on how they will deal with this sudden increase in omega-3 fatty acids.
Despite backlash, Senton remains steadfast on his decision to introduce VAR into College examinations. The VAR rooms for the examinations taking place in The Great Hall would operate from the Silwood Park campus in Berkshire. Previously with VAR test-runs there has been a commotion that the exam invigilators may have had connections to UAE officials, but Valentino told Negafelix “You didn’t hear nothin’ about no UAE officials, capisce?” One student argued that their answers did not have any “clear and obvious errors”, so it should not have gone to VAR at all, as it “interfered with the natural flow of the course”. IC Union Deputy President (Education), Paylor Tomfret, put out a statement to Senton this week: “Why are they still drawing the lines in Silwood? It should be semi-automated like at LSE.”
Mr Senton then drew fire at Imperial’s smoke–free policy. “I think it’s cultural discrimination that we are attacking smokers’ rights. I would not only bring back casual smoking on campus but triple it by building a coal power station in the Beit Quad to choke the local atmosphere. Subsequently, I would turn the Union Bar into an executive smoking lounge. Non-smokers can stay in FiveSixEight with all the other virgins.” Outside of this, Senton has numerous policies involving equality, even touching on the hotly debated case of public bathrooms. These policies involve banning all single–sex toilets, in favour of public defecation on the Beit Quad lawn, re–immersing in the College culture that “died with COVID.” Mr Senton also wishes to abolish all unisex toilets in favour of “Sex Toilets”, as an act of appreciation for the Imperial dogging empire.
Next up on Mr Senton’s hit list was White City Campus. “Nationalising the White City Shuttle bus is near the top of my priority list – I feel as though it is integral to worsen travel times and to create irregularities in the timetable.” With the growth in students emigrating to White City becoming an issue, including as the Maths and Computing departments, Senton proposes a scheme to send these students to Rwanda to “begin more productive research careers.”
Finally, Mr Senton has promised to establish the charitable organisation UNIFEB to assist the impoverished at Imperial. “I often see residents of North End Road and Shepherds Bush walking around campus with no shoes, no clean water, or even a balanced diet. It is paramount we address these growing concerns of the “Shit-home crisis”.”
Negafelix approached Mr Jimmy “The Vice” Valentino for a comment on Senton’s policies but he declined, only saying, “Eh! Oh! Who says I know about these policies? Forget about it.”
