Horoscopes: 26 September 2025

Editor's note: Following an increased windfall, several Union complaints and investigations, a confused PhD student emailing us asking if our horoscopes were accurate, and Imperial Animal Rights Society breaking into West Basement and freeing the monkeys on typewriters, the Felix editorial board has decided to appoint the closest thing Imperial has to an astrologer: a bio girlie. Resident mystic Maria Minas will be perusing Costar and Astra religiously to ensure our horoscopes are scientifically accurate and reliable. For feedback email: mysticmina@felix.org and your astrological questions will be answered!

♈ Aries

This week you roll your ankle after deciding to use the Kemp Porter stairs because the lifts are full.

♉ Taurus

This week you discover the wonders of a drunk cigarette.

♊ Gemini

This week you discover that all the “ethereal bisexuals” you were hoping to impress actually go to UCL.

♋ Cancer

This week you decide to go all in on Labubu after discovering the JP Morgan Labubu market projections.

♌ Leo

This week you use your quant skills from Algorithmic Trading society to find the most optimal sugar daddy.

♍ Virgo

This week you decide the boy you snogged at your hall social is going to be the love of your life.

♎ Libra

This week your f latmates decide to form a polycule without you.

♏ Scorpio

This week you discover why all the physicists look like... that.

♐ Sagittarius

This week you realise you should have applied for a spring week in nursery and you’ll never get a job at Goldman Sachs now.

♑ Capricorn

This week you’re 17 during freshers week.

♒ Aquarius

This week everyone points and laughs at your Bradford accent.

♓ Pisces

This week you develop a crush on all 12 women on your course.