Horoscopes: 9 May 2025

♈ Aries

This week you and 100 men have to battle the course ratio.

♉ Taurus

This week you STOP DROP and ROLL down your foreskin.

♊ Gemini

This week you bump into your GP in the smoking area and decide to keep lying to each other as community service.

♋ Cancer

This week after a lapse in judgement your prolapse relapses and your partner can no longer swim laps.

♌ Leo

This week your blue-haired trust fund nepo baby flatmate crowdfunds for their vape.

♍ Virgo

This week your CBT session includes the phrases "Tung Tung Tung Sahur" and "Ballerina Cappuccina".

♎ Libra

This week you resurrect yourself from the car crash after your mitigation request is declined.

♏ Scorpio

This week you wear a custom tailored clear refuse sack to the exam and are refused entry.

♐ Sagittarius

This week your hay-fever sneezes cause you to eject 6 months of stale cocaine from your sinuses.

♑ Capricorn

This week you and your friends are selected to hit the vape signifying the Conclave voting is over.

♒ Aquarius

This week you impose head tariffs on your partner for receiving too much and not giving enough.

♓ Pisces

This week you See it. Say it. Sorted. Aborted.