Horoscopes: 7 March 2025

Happy International Women’s Day to the seven girls at Imperial

♈ Aries

This week you review Normal People for the third time hoping that it will prompt her to text you back.

♉ Taurus

This week you break your tooth outside the club and your heart inside it.

♊ Gemini

This week you use Ash Wednesday as an excuse to empty your ashtray.

♋ Cancer

This week you make your partner wear a suit during sex to attract future investors.

♌ Leo

This week you email the editor asking if you could buy a full page Advertisement begging for a girlfriend

♍ Virgo

This week you lose the argument so you say that you were only joking.

♎ Libra

This week you realise your situationship picking the fresher over you is literally the plot of The Substance.

♏ Scorpio

This week you break the record for the longest time spent inside your girlfriend, clocking in at 5 minutes & 36 seconds.

♐ Sagittarius

This week you were so focused on Emilia Perez losing you forgot about Sean Baker and Adrien Brody.

♑ Capricorn

This week your girlfriend does not appreciate your comment on how pancake day came early when you slapped her ass.

♒ Aquarius

This week you plan your third hypothetical novel.

♓ Pisces

This week you wonder how Hugh Brady knew to escape Bristol.

From Issue 1869

7th Mar 2025

Discover stories from this section and more in the list of contents

Explore the edition

Read more