Horoscopes: 3 October 2025

♈ Aries

This week you get crushed by a swarm of shuffling freshers at the Welcome Fair.

♉ Taurus

This week your lockin strategy includes microdosing meth.

♊ Gemini

This week your first 9am pre-lab coffee results in a gas leak in the Chemistry Building.

♋ Cancer

This week your heavily curated Notion planner fails to account for the fact you don’t like your course.

♌ Leo

This week you find God because there’s no other way you’re getting a job in this economy.

♍ Virgo

This week your flat is home to 15 new strains of highly contagious bacteria after your rich f latmate “forgets” to wash their dishes.

♎ Libra

This week you catch an STD at the performative man contest.

♏ Scorpio

This week you don’t make any friends, again.

♐ Sagittarius

This week the cheap kebab you ate post Embargo leads to black hole formation in the Huxley toilets.

♑ Capricorn

This week you’re accosted by the Felix editor in a catsuit.

♒ Aquarius

This week everyone accuses you of looking like someone who DJs at house parties.

♓ Pisces

This week your poetry is too sensitive for Poetry Soc, and besides they don’t respect the art form anyway.