Mens III's unlikely success
Imperial College's third football team has earned a place in the third round of the FA Cup. The new manager, Feb Senton, has employed a 4-4-2 strategy influenced by experience mostly limited to Football Manager 24 in the computing suite of the Huxley Building. This is the first year the FA has allowed BUCS teams to enter the qualifying rounds of the FA Cup, and the IIIs have made the most of it. They were fortunate enough to face level nine teams Mangotsfield United F.C. and Shaftesbury F.C., before shocking level eight side Margate with a stunning 2-0 victory. In the first round proper, they drew Slimbridge AFC, and triumphed after extra time thanks to an audacious halfway-line chip from Rilliam Wayner. Weymouth were drawn in the second round, with the IIIs winning after penalties.
Negafelix reached out to the IIIs set piece coach, Claaron Ements, in reaction to their shock victories. “I think people think football is way harder than it is,” said the Aerospace Engineering student, “but really you’ve just got to treat the ball like a bomb, and your goal like a bomb, and their players like a bomb, and their goal like a bomb-diffuser.”
After the win against Weymouth, a group of freshers on the bench suggested the tactic of “lying across the goal,” but this was soon disregarded in light of the offside rule. The Imperial IIIs have had several mishaps with the offside rule as they “don’t usually play with it; it ruins the spirit of the game.”
Senton, with his data science background, has been clear in always implementing his footballing philosophy. This left some IIIs players confused when Weymouth FC players were doing sprints at half time. “They didn’t even do a team-building activity before the game,” one player said. “I know they never spend an hour analysing XG stats on Stata while eating sushi, like we did.”
The strikers disrupted Weymouth centrebacks in the second half by interrogating them on their GCSE results mid-match. A source revealed one player even asked their keeper to explain the second law of thermodynamics during a corner. Despite their superiority in the level two certificate field, Imperial players were left feeling resentful at half time, Pon-rad Cerry noting “If I’d known they were raking in this much, I would’ve dropped my degree, skipped the lectures, and just done BTECs! Who needs vector calculus when you can be making more than my entire student loan just by lumping a ball up the pitch and calling it defence?”
Some of the boys were disappointed not to be included come match day: “I’m shocked,” said Menry Hilne. “I’m only here because I like a piss-up on Wednesdays and flirting with the hockey girls. If I’d known I could be playing against a premier league club, I would’ve replied to my sec’s harassment on Spond.”
The IIIs credit their success to pre-match preparation, including a diet of curly fries and pints at the Union Bar. ‘Carb-loading is essential,’ said striker Beo Lallard, clutching a double pint as he explained their hydration strategy. The IIIs’ goalkeeper has a unique pre-match ritual, reportedly listening to the Imperial March on repeat to get into the zone. He was also spotted taping his gloves, not out of necessity, but because he believes it makes him “more aerodynamic.”
When asked about facing Spurs, midfielder Rilliam Wayner confidently replied, ‘As long as we mark Harry Kane, we’ll be fine. It’s Spurs after all.’ After being informed Kane now plays in Germany, he added, “Oh, right, well, they are managed by a fat Australian. The only block we will need to break down is his atheroma.”
With Tottenham Hotspur now set to visit Fortress Carrington – a pitch described by one FA inspector as “technically functional” – let’s see what awaits.
