Imperial forced to cut back on buzzword budget
Due to the Champion’s League, NBA Conference Finals, and (regrettably) an outbreak of chlamydia, we were fresh out of Catnip writers this weekend. We found Martina on the street rambling on about “University to University Buzzword as a Service models“ and thought she would be perfect as a replacement.
Honestly, I’m sick and tired of these constant insane budget cuts to critical university infrastructure. In the misguided pursuit of redirecting funds to the White City south campus, university administration has been vampirically sucking away Imperial’s life blood, and not in the kinky way. First it was euthanising half the PhD grant students (while retaining the sponsorship money). Then, even worse, they increased the price of diet coke by 20% across campus (it got so bad that I even considered buying it in bulk from the supermarket; like some sort of peasant).
But perhaps the most troubling development in this recent chopping frenzy is the announcement that Imperial is lowering its buzzword budget for the year. After the recent splurge on the change from Extended Learning to Lifelong Learning, the higher-ups have started to worry that the Department of Innovative Lexical Discourse and Opinions is burning more money than it is recovering for the university.
While historically the work of DILDO has penetrated the linguistic zeitgeist throughout London (and frankly, the world), apparently it will now be pulled back to properly fit into the annual fiscal budget. Imperial specifically cited their recent collaboration with the League of Users of Brittanica
Encyclopedias as a point of concern; stating that the additional funds required to sponsor the work of the world-renowned think tank was frankly not worth it.
A spokesperson for Imperial’s fiscal team went on record, stating “It’s hard enough handling DILDO, and adding LUBE into the mix means we’re at risk of our cultural budget going bust.” I, however, strongly disagree with this sentiment. I think that the triumph of such turns of phrase as “internationalism”
rather than simply globalism, or “dual-use” to refer to anything that you can both think about and talk about, are clear indicators that LUBE is actually helping DILDO move faster and more efficiently through the space of corporate lingo that we all live in right now.
I was talking to my friend Claude Tolkien about this travesty and they were completely on my side about this. In their own words: “Imperial is a world-leader in the intensification of proprietary technologies on the cutting edge of sentence formation. My humble roots as a KCL Communication major (and less humble present as an Imperial mechanical engineering student) taught me the importance of clear, concise, unobstructed, fully substantiated, piercing, simple language. Uh, what were we talking about again?“
My personal recommendation would be to reinstate the former glory of the buzzword budget, and instead save money by getting rid of the EFDS department.
