OOH OOH AHH AHH FELIX FELIX OOH OOH OOH AAH AHH OOH OOH AAH AHH OOH OOH AHH AHH OOFHEOIFHFOIHFQ OOH OOH OOH AHH AHH OOHH AHHH OOH OOH OOH AHH AHH AHH AHH OHH OHHH YEAHHHHH. Translation: (Translated from the Gorilla by George Pastons, B.A. Monkey Language and
Imperial College has decided to “half-heartedly” hang up a Pride flag in a disused corner of the Sherfield building because of a commitment to “remain impartial” following political tensions, according to people familiar with the matter. The College did not plan any official events for LGBTQ+ History Month for the
Felix Editor Felix Felix has pledged to “elimnate” the many typos that have recently scarred the newspaper, as part of a “merciless “wra” on unprofessionalism. Many readers had expressed their displeasure with typo rate in the double digits. “I’ve stopped reading Felix,” a MSc Cryptography student shared, “it reminded
A leaked report by consulting firm McKinsey & Co has revealed that “on average 56% of facts” reported in Felix are false, with several sections presenting almost entirely false statements as fact. The report concluded that on the whole, according to their proprietary evaluation programmes, Felix should in no cases
The Wagner Group, a Russian private military company (PMC) involved in many of the Kremlin’s black operations, passed the latest assessment round for Imperial’s new “Zero Ethics” index. The index, which was finalised last month, will be repeated on a yearly basis to determine which defence companies and
(In Imperial Confessional form)
Both the Departments of Mathematics and Physics will be burning sage in what insiders say is a “desperate” attempt to combat worsening student satisfaction. The use of sage burning, a practise derived from withcraft, is seen to be a radical departure from both departments’ lack of action. “Look, we don’
An Imperial student was revealed to be saving thousands of pounds each year by eating the presentation dishes at campus eateries. Taste Imperial outlets usually prepare an extra meal for display to let students know what sauce accompanies the specific rice-and-meat preparation they serve on that day. These are generally
Nightmare gala turned HR nightmare.
The UK’s highest court sided with Imperial students in two out of three crucial test cases focusing on crimes that involved “ragebaiting”. The decision reversed earlier court rulings that denied the possibility of ragebaiting as a plausible and honest reason for harmful and destructive acts. Previously, these offences only
The Catnip monkeys have returned to the West Basement to run the Catnip column after numerous complaints from Imperial students regarding the quality of recent horoscopes. In a shock move, both new Catnip supremo Barnaby Hilton-Royce, and astrologer Mystic Mina have been booted from the editorial board, never to return.
Imperial College Union have decided to re-restructure the sabbatical officer positions following recent developments in French politics. Seeing the resounding success of President Emmanuel Macron, the Union will now just have a President, who they will shuffle out for ceremonial reasons, and a prime minister, who will be replaced every